I have yet another amazing thing that I got out of this book about the kleshas. The book talked briefly about making a timeline of important events and sayings that really changed my perspective on life.
The work struck me as important, so I found myself immediately pulling out some paper to begin writing my first thoughts. I quickly jotted down a full page of notes.
~I thought about my earliest memories, around the age of 4, and having the knack to find lost items. Everyone would come to me if they lost something.
~I thought about learning how to read at the age of 4, sitting on my Dad’s lap in a rocking chair in the Big Room with the first book being Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You? by Dr. Seuss. After I could read, it was game over. I always wanted to be reading something and would constantly fall asleep on a pile of books or read by nightlight if I was not ready to go to sleep just yet per my parents’ standards.
~I thought about sitting in the backseat of the car on the ride to school with my portable whiteboard, doing the algebra equations my dad was asking my brother, to see if I could find out the answer first. I wanted to be smart like my older brother.
~I thought about my ex-husband telling me, “I’ve loved her longer than I’ve loved you” on the week of our 5-year anniversary. While I am thankful for the growth I received from that marriage and never wanted to go back, those words always stuck with me. I am grateful for the relationship because without it, I would not have had Zane. He changed my life once I knew I was pregnant with him.
~I thought about my spiritual awakening and how that forever transformed my life and my understanding of myself and the world around me. The connectedness of us all.
~I thought about beautiful sayings that resonated with me: “My life is my message”; Be here now; Making a cup of tea, I am the war.”
~I thought about music that changed my life, thinking of the lyrics that I felt so deeply connected with.
All of these (and obviously more) got me to where I am today in my understanding and wisdom. I knew that I would have to lean in some more to really do my timeline proper.
While I was in the process of the whole thing, I was feeling a deeper yearning to also make a grander timeline, to encompass my whole life, year by year. I began thinking about making this project into a large folding whiteboard - science fair style! I also found myself thinking about finding old photographs to go along with the memories.
On a new piece of paper, I began writing dates that I knew right off my head, beginning with my birthdate. I jotted down “Childhood 1983-2001”. “Dropped out of high school 2001”. “Got pregnant with Zane 2002” “Married 2002.“ “Back to high school 2002”. “Zane born 12/24/2002”. “Graduated high school 2003”.
I then proceeded to list other memorable dates, mostly from my adulthood. “Working for Dillow 07/05/04.” “Dating Adam 10/19/07". ”Cub scout den leader 2008-2012”. “Married Adam 09/10/11”. “Bought first house 11/10/12”. “Miscarriage 10/29/13”. “Mom died 09/29/14”. “Laken born 04/03/15”.
While I was listing big dates I knew off the top of my head, I felt a vagueness for other times. It was like a big gap of information from my immediate consciousness, like - “what was I doing during those times?”
I met Dad for lunch one day and let him know about my new adventure. I asked him if he would write down some things for me from his memory.
Like when you were born, and you were pink and purple because you tied a knot in your umbilical cord doing somersaults?
Yep. Stuff like that.
Like how you were not breathing, and they thought you had brain damage because of your lack of oxygen for some period of time?
Yeah. I would like to hear more about that. Please write about that, too.
Like about how you nursed on your Mom’s breast until after you were 2 years old* and it was hard to break you?
Haha! Yes, please! Give me all the embarrassing stories you’ve got! I want to hear it all!"
*Dad’s face lit up =)
I am looking forward to what he will come up with! All the fun and embarrassing stories of my childhood from someone else’s perspective! I am not exactly sure what I will gain out of this whole experience, but it seems fun to recreate my life, just little pieces at a time. I will be remembering myself. Time will tell how this project will help me on my journey. I am excited to see what develops. I hope this idea resonates with you too. I would love to share timelines!
*After I had this conversation with Dad, in another one of the books I read, Breath by James Nestor, he discussed that in earlier times, breastfeeding children until they were 2-4 years of age used to be normal and that it actually helped children develop the proper bone structure for better breathing! Thought that was a cool synchronicity! Thank you, Spirit.
Wow. So last night as I was sitting in the Babe Cave, my eyes were directed to 3 calendars that I had found a little bit ago and planned on looking through to get dates for the timeline. The first calendar was from 2017. As I looked through the pages, I quickly realized why I had began keeping this calendar - to keep up with my parenting schedule and keep notes of things that was going on with Zane and his Dad.
It was strange to go back through, already having the knowledge and outcome of certain events. There were also notes about things that I didn’t remember exactly what they meant, but felt important when I jotted it down. I wrote one event right after the other, filling pages of terrible things that were happening. I made it through the first calendar, shocked, and 2 1/2 pages full.
I then began on 2018, which was even more gut wrenching and heartbreaking. As I wrote down those events, huge tears began falling down my face, recounting the feelings. I almost wanted to quit reading it. It’s a wonder we even made it through those years….But I knew I had to push through. I made it to the last calendar, 2019.
That’s when things began getting better, for the most part. I also saw how the stress was affecting the other family members too, and then ultimately caught up with me.
I further understood in that moment last night why I needed to burn the timeline after I remembered it all. I knew the calendars would have to go along with it. While I did live through it, I don’t wish to keep holding on to the pain and grief. I heal by processing what I am going through. I know I am a strong person because of it. I also see why my memory was blacked out on some of the events, to protect me. I just remembered my trauma. So now it will heal, even further.
As I was cleaning and moving things downstairs, I came across a tri fold board and 2 more whiteboards! While they were not in the best of shape, Spirit showed me that I had all the tools I needed right here in our house to complete my project. As I delightfully brought them into the Babe Cave, I found a place to lay them out in preparation of the future work. It was then in that moment that Spirit told me that these were perfect because that once I completed the project, I would be burning it! I needed to remember myself, to then forget myself again. Interesting concept. But this is the guidance so I shall follow it!
I also realized that I put the incorrect book name for my first book! So, I quickly had to correct it!