Journaling

I have been journaling off and on since I was about 10 years old; however, I just recently realized I haven’t been fully experiencing the purpose of journaling.

Not that I was journaling wrong, but I wasn’t actually getting to capture all the full moments of what I was needing to. I usually chose to journal about happy things and things that were exciting with Spirit and how I was seeing the magic of life. And those are absolutely beautiful to read! But in reality, I was not capturing all of what I needed. I needed to also capture those raw emotions and feelings of when I was not in a good state of mind.

In my old journals, there were an occasional few entries that I did make where I was either really mad or sad and I captured my thoughts of the moment. What I realized is that there’s so much magic contained in those moments too. When I go back and read journal entries or listen to voice recordings of those rougher states of mind, it really helps me understand my feelings and emotions, and how strongly I let them come in to play in my life - when I let my emotions run the show.

Seeing the beauty in the “ugly”, I began capturing more of those moments for my own review. I am doing myself better justice and trying to understand my path. I don’t know a better way in this present space and time. I am bearing witness to myself.

I can do nothing for you but work on myself, you can do nothing for me but work on yourself - Ram Dass, Be Here Now

Last year, I also began writing a blog about Zane’s passing. It was too painful to share at the time, so I kept it in my drafts. I found myself going there occasionally and capturing a journal entry because I felt as though I was not going to be sharing the blog with anyone else since it had been so long, and I honestly did not think that people would want to read it because it hurts so bad. Upon talking with a dear friend, who is also a counselor, I told her what I was doing, and she encouraged me that I should share my trials and tribulations because my story could help others. Now while I don’t always share these types of things, I do feel it is important and necessary for the journey.

It will be published on or around the anniversary of Zane's passing (April 2) or until my blog runs out of room. (It comes with a warning label for anyone who does not want to read it.) I’m thankful to go back and read what I’ve written and to see where I’ve struggled. To see where the work is needed. To see the growth. I will not shy away from any work that needs to be done. Sometimes I feel like I wanna give up, but my soul will not let me. Spirit will not let me. I came back to this life to finish whatever I had started in the last one. I’m slowly catching pace.

So, I am just getting it all out in the open for my own observation and training. I encourage you to also lean into those moments of hardship and capture your thoughts and feelings as well as capturing those beautiful moments that make your heart shine. You are your own greatest teacher and student.